I did poor transfer technique on my patient today and now my back is sore.  I better watch it.  Nurses have a high rate of back injuries. 

This rotation has taken a toll on me.  I'm taking care of one of the most difficult patients I (and all the nurses) have ever seen.  The first day I had her I almost broke down twice.  Last week I actually did break down and started crying.  She has mild dementia and an infection that causes her to lose even more short term memory as well as causing confusion and mood swings.  She'll yell at me for not getting her something she never asked for.  She'll tell me she already told me or did things she never did or said.  She creates her own reality inside of her head and expects everyone to abide by it.  Due to her confusion she gets frustrated A LOT.  Worst of all, she's now refusing all of her meds.  Last week it took the nurse and I 5 hours to get her to take all of her meds.  Today, she took none.  It's really hard working with her.  I get so angry about how she acts and treats me and at the same time my heart hurts for her.  She's really sick and needs so much help and care.  Her condition is degrading as time goes on.  Not taking her medication is making it even worse.  And the nurses and techs that regularly care for her on a daily basis are at their wits end--and from what I see--are giving up.  I also think the patient has given up.  It's like she's just waiting to die. 

I come home from clinicals completely exhausted.  It's both emotionally and physically taxing.  There's no time to rest, however.  Too much work!  Only 1 more year.  1 more year of school and then I can continue with the next phase of my life.

Death and Life

So I've been thinking a lot about life and death lately.  My mom's had a fair amount of people that are close to her die recently.  I guess a couple of them were kind of close to me too... my grandmother being one and the head of my Girl Scout (GS) district being the other.  My grandma lived in Montana and because of the distance I never really got to know her.  However, she was still always a presense in my life.  I always knew what she was up to (from my mom) and I could count on her for reliable and heart felt (sometimes kooky) gifts...  My mom and I would go over to the head GS ladies house and I'd play with her dog while my mom and her talked...  My boyfriend took in the cat of another lady that died from my church, and although I've only met the woman once or twice I feel connected to her still.  When I say these people died recently I mean over the last 4-5 months.  Some may feel that is a long time, but to me it feels like a season of death.  I havn't really been touched by serial deaths before.  The biggest death I had to face was that of one of my best friends during the end of my freshman year.  However, these were all understandable deaths (meaning no freak accidents or untimely deaths such as from cancer). To add to the feeling of this season... it's cold and miserable outside... all vegetation is dormant... and all the world seems gray.  I feel like there's other "deaths", if you will, that contribute to the season that I've seen around me.  Death of friendships.... death of relationships... death of dreams....  death of innocence...  death of hope.... death of the known.  I could elaborate about each of those "deaths"... but I have decided not to.  However I do feel affected by it all whether happening to me or someone I care about.... and it hurts.  Having this all weight on my soul .... all this death of many forms.... really brings home for me that now is a season of death (for me anyway). 

HOWEVER

On the flip side...  at the exact same time as my season of death, I can see the signs of new beginnings.  The best way I can put it is; being in winter but knowing spring is nearly here.  There has been an increasing epidemic of engagements lately.... and people who had previoulsy given up hope have now found it again.  Love is there.  New friendships and alignments have been formed... people are striking out on their own, with promise of great adventure... people are learning do new things.. change is happening and it's nerve-rackingly exciting....  growth can be felt and seen in the lives of people around me... I feel growth even... as painful as it sometimes is.  As dreary as it is now, faith is alive.  However small, it is there. 

Edit*

The lady I got paid to watch also died

My pastor died also

 2 "There is no one holy like the LORD;
       there is no one besides you;
       there is no Rock like our God.

 3 "Do not keep talking so proudly
       or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
       for the LORD is a God who knows,
       and by him deeds are weighed.

 4 "The bows of the warriors are broken,
       but those who stumbled are armed with strength.

 5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
       but those who were hungry hunger no more.
       She who was barren has borne seven children,
       but she who has had many sons pines away.

 6 "The LORD brings death and makes alive;
       he brings down to the grave and raises up.

 7 The LORD sends poverty and wealth;
       he humbles and he exalts.

 8 He raises the poor from the dust
       and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
       he seats them with princes
       and has them inherit a throne of honor.
       "For the foundations of the earth are the LORD's;
       upon them he has set the world.

 9 He will guard the feet of his saints,
       but the wicked will be silenced in darkness.
       "It is not by strength that one prevails;

 10 those who oppose the LORD will be shattered.
       He will thunder against them from heaven;
       the LORD will judge the ends of the earth.
       "He will give strength to his king
       and exalt the horn of his anointed."

~1 Samuel 2:1b-10